How the F**K do I read my birth chart Part III

So, you’re back for more huh? I mean, first of all, thank you! Second of all, I hate it when people say shit like “first of all and second of all” so let me stop myself before this goes too far. If you’re just seeing this and wondering wtf “Part III” even is, then I suggest going backwards and starting in chronological order. The only people I can possibly imagine getting a kick out of reading something out of order are Sagittarius placements and this could be for two reasons- A. they cannot be bothered to rEaD eVeRyThInG or B. reading out of order seems “spontaneous” and “could be fun”… listen, you do you, it is sag season after, all. I’m just glad you’re here.

I feel that by this point we’re all friends here so a long drawn out intro is unnecessary. This time I’m cutting straight to the chase- Ladies we are going to Mars (for more candy bars) and Fellas you can go to Jupiter (to get more stupider). Again, if you don’t recognize that gem from childhood, I feel bad for you. Now Lesssgooo!


How’s your temper friend? Are you an absolute psycho ready to blow up at any inconvenience, red faced with steam coming out of your ears? Are you meek and mild letting everyone including your neighbors three- year old, Aiden walk all over you? Or are you a nut case that holds on to shit for years tricking everyone into thinking you’re a well-rounded individual until all of a sudden you realize you can no longer keep it all in and then like a pin to a balloon you EXPLODE without anyone having time to take cover? Mars is responsible for your physical energy, sex drive, forcefulness, and your aggression. Knowing more about your assertive power will come from a good study of your Mars placements. The planet itself gets its name after the Roman god of war- He was aggressive and quarrelsome and never hesitated to act. In space terms Mars is known as the fiery red planet and it’s no coincidence that the name means “bright and burning one”. Your ambition, desire, courage, strength, impulses, boldness, and endurance all come from Mars. The catch with this planet and your specific placement is how you use it’s force. If you can control yourself, this energy is put to good use. If you tend to be the impatient type this could be a point of conflict in your life. So, what does your Mars placement say about you?

Mars in Aries: Mars rules Aries so this is it’s natural “home”, emphasizes self-confidence and force of character, others always know how you feel about something because you are loud about it, courageous, honest, but can be blunt and combative, active and assertive sex-life, aggressively gets what they want.

Mars in Taurus: Very determined and persistent, slow and steady vitality, success means money and material possessions, great deal of energy is spent on sexual pursuits, in love you like to dominate and possess, unwillingness to see others points of view causes difficulties in relationships.

Mars in Gemini: Energetic activity of the mind, brilliantly intellectual, practical and quick, lack force of will, sexual desire happen in the mind before physicality, easily aroused passions, can have multiple affairs or marriages due to feeling like a relationship has lost its “zest”, can convince others of what you want.

Mars in Cancer: Great strength of will, can wear down opposition by repeated assaults- the effect is overpowering, sex is emotional, love-making is an intuitive art, passions depend on your lovers, can cling to relationships that do not make you happy, outburst of temper and nervous irritability.

Mars in Leo: Never ordinary, make grand plans and possess the force to put them into action, very dramatic sex-drive, can grab attention and affection of others easily, hot-blooded and impulsive, demand a great deal from lovers, you must dominate but you show affection in return, can be condescending.

Mars in Virgo: Systematic approach to everything including sex, ambitious and proud, extremely strong willed, able to separate yourself from your emotions, passions are strong but kept under tight rein, can be so wrapped up in details you miss the bigger picture, shrewd and calculating in making decisions.

Mars in Libra: Fluctuating power, impulsive and sensuous in sex drive, great deal of energy is spent in forming emotional relationships, prefer to be sought after- not usually the aggressor, enjoy sophisticated lovers, carefully weighs the pros and cons for any situation, tend to be unhappy in sex relationships.

Mars in Scorpio: Persistent and intense, resourceful and determined, efforts are always directed at a purpose, no wasted movements, a strong and deeply felt sexuality, sometimes emotional sexuality, displays jealousy, anger, or hurt feelings, always able to move an audience, imaginative and powerfully creative.

Mars in Sagittarius: Promotes courage and independence, dashing and exciting, easily distracted, passionate and sensual, open to numerous affairs because of your exploratory nature, sexual relationships end as quickly as they began, impulsive and rash at times, power to amuse and delight, always makes a good first impression.

Mars in Capricorn: Force and energy kept under control, fierce, magnetic, and commanding, have the ability to endure anything, sexual nature is earthy and passionate, the element of self-control marks your relationships, sexy and even romantic, could have had a secret love affair with someone older

Mars in Aquarius: Energy expressed on a mental plane, quick in your actions, an element of reform or fighting for freedom in your outlook, high-strung and unpredictable, ambivalence in your sexual nature, try to deal with sex rationally but swing back and forth between desire and detachment, prone to affairs because this way there can’t be total commitment.

Mars in Pisces: Easily stirs feelings and grabs peoples emotions, compelling imagination, enormously receptive to your environment, shoulder the responsibilities of others, intensity of feelings in your sexual relationships, may suffer disappointment in love because you involve yourself fully in relationships even when others do not.


 Remember when we were kids and we used to send boys to Jupiter to get more stupider…and they actually did? While that little rhyme IS funny, it really has nothing to do with Jupiter and everything to do with males being the lesser species (calm down JEREMY, can you grow a child inside you, birth it, and feed it with your body? Didn’t think so). Let me stop before I get carried away, if you are a male and reading this- you are important, and we appreciate you! Jupiter is the planet of good luck, optimism, success, and generosity.  As explained in The Only Astrology Book, You’ll Ever Need- “The position of Jupiter in your birth chart can indicate where your fortunate opportunities are to be found. This benevolent planet shows where you have the most room to expand and the areas in which you will get the best out of life.” In mythology Jupiter was SUPREME! He was the God of all the Gods- ruler of the Heavens. In astrology Jupiter represents luck, health, happiness, wealth, worldly goods, and power. In our solar system Jupiter is the fifth planet from the sun and our largest. In fact, did you know that the size of Jupiter is so massive it can fit the rest of every other planet in our solar system inside it with plenty of room to spare?! Jupiter also emits its own heat, much like the sun and was once considered a “failed star” meaning it has all the elements of our sun, but not the planets revolving around it. If you pay attention to where Jupiter is in your chart, It is said that when Jupiter is working for you, everything comes easily to you and with little effort on your part- this is where you will have the most luck. “Jupiter is the planet of blessings, blessings we must learn to use wisely”. Let’s see where you can find the most luck in your life.

Jupiter in Aries: Confident and enthusiastic you are a natural leader. Luck follows you in professions where you can be your own boss. You tend to spend money too extravagantly and need to be careful with finances. You can achieve high rank in things like politics, science, literature, and the military.

Jupiter in Taurus: Taurus is the money sign of the zodiac and Jupiter will bring abundance. Most successful in jobs where finances are involved. Banking, stocks and bonds, investments, will all bring you rewards. You have an eye for beauty and art, you may even have a lovely voice or artistic talent.

Jupiter in Gemini: Blessed with an adventurous side, money making opportunities usually come to you through friends and contacts you acquire. Most successful in areas where the intellect can be used- teaching, lecturing, law. Communications industries like publishing, magazine writing, or tv reporting are also well received.

Jupiter in Cancer: One of the luckiest positions because you are very popular wherever you go, and this opens many doors for you. You may be lucky with investments, real estate, inheritances, and stock market. Food and drink bring success to this sign- careers as chefs, restaurateurs or cookbook writers.

Jupiter in Leo: Extraordinary public appeal. Theatre, television, movies, politics, advertising, and public relations are all in your wheelhouse of success. Even the world of fashion, or high-powered selling jobs are perfect matches for your ambitiously extravagant side. You may even find yourself benefiting from influential friends.

Jupiter in Virgo: You can make a hobby or pastime successful. Smart, analytical, and persevering, you figure out a way to the biggest rewards. Perfection with details you naturally succeed in teaching, accounting, literary critic, journalist, or news commentary. Even fields in space technology, science, and medicine are lucky for you.

Jupiter in Libra: Magnetic and charming personality. Luck comes through artistic talents and an eye for beauty. Many talented musicians, painters, decorators, fashion designers, and art collectors fall under this sign in Jupiter. Marriages tend to benefit this sign as the partnership sector is illuminated here. Marriage can bring in social positions of wealth and leads to the teamed-up business world.

Jupiter in Scorpio: Excellent at figuring out hidden information, would make a great psychiatrist, researcher, politician, or even security agent in the FBI. Strong magnetic attractions open doors for career and financial opportunities. Lucky fields are medicine, surgery, or therapy.

Jupiter in Sagittarius: Jupiter rules Sagittarius, a placement here is emphasized. You like to live “well” and usually attract financial luck. Can turn ideas into cash- you think BIG. Drawn to professions such as law, government, diplomacy, literature, and philosophy.

Jupiter in Capricorn: Here Jupiter’s power is expressed through ambition. You gain through hard-work and willpower. Success is achieved gradually and long-term. Instinct for business, construction owners, land development, real estate, oil industry.

Jupiter in Aquarius: Magnetic ability to win friends- this is where you find good fortune. Unexpected opportunities and new situations often happen here. The sign of the future, successful professions come from the modern era- television, computers, electronics, aviation, and the space industry. This placement brings luck to others. There is a sharp intuition about human nature.

Jupiter in Pisces: Power to appeal to the emotions. Working with people, especially with the healing arts brings success. Deft touch with animals, may work as a veterinarian, breeder, farming, ranching. May find fortune in careers that help humanity like, social work, religious work, politics, philanthropic organizations. Attracts popularity with a likeable personality.

I’m not going to lie I had every intention of covering Saturn in part III as well. The problem is… ITS SAG SEASON and my attention span is as big as an ant right now (I’m willing to bet you were tired of reading anyways). I think I’ll save good old Daddy Saturn for next time. He deserves more than a thrown together post, no- he DEMANDS more than a thrown together post! So, until then, Au revoir lovely’s!

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