How the F**k do I read my birth chart?! Part II

Welcome dear friends! If you are ready for the second installment of my multi-part series on “How the F**k do I read my birth chart” well than you’re in luck! I’m still feeling the motivation bug that lives deep in my being and makes random appearances from time to time, shocking the hell out of me and feeding me the inspiration juice until I do something about it. You’d think this would be helpful for all aspects of my life, and I’d be somewhat of a tornado zipping about getting every possible thing taken care of, no loose ends, perfect perfection. The problem is, it tends to manifest itself in one or two areas making me a bit obsessed and quite possibly too passionate about a certain project or undertaking. I’ll dive deep, feel deep, think deep, live deep, bury myself into the ground and then die, only to be resurrected when the urge strikes again. Keep in mind this is all happening while at the same time I’m living on a whim, without a care in the world, yearning for freedom and longing to be a gypsy who travels without anything holding me back- fuck the government and everything society has made us believe we have to do. This has everything to do with my placements and the planets ruling over them. While my chart is certainly without a doubt VERY Capricorn heavy, I have quite the mixture bringing in some major Scorpio vibes and some free-spirited Sagittarius energies. I’d love to say I’m well rounded (LOL) but I’m not. Now, I’m not trying to be comical, or to give myself a hard time. I’m only saying this because I’m still learning how to use all of what I got in the best ways possible. I’m a work in progress- we all are, even that one annoyingly “perfect” Virgo you know who tries to correct every spelling mistake you’ve ever made in your entire life! Cool it Brenda! We get it, you know how to fucking spell. The thing is, if we take the time to understand our birth charts, we are taking the time to understand ourselves- what makes us tick, how we love, the expansive ways our minds work, our unique styles of communication. Knowing all of this is so that we can become better, not perfect (suck it Brenda), but better. This time we are getting a little deeper, a little more ASTROLOGICAL (muuaahahahahaha)! This time we are looking at two major planets in your birth chart, what they stand for, and the influence they have over you.

This will be a comprehensive break down but remember these planets mean a lot more in relation to which zodiac sign lives there. If you haven’t gotten that information yet, please do. We will be taking it slow since there is so much information to share with you. This blog post will cover the planets Mercury and Venus. Cue the fireworks again!!!!


Of course, we must start with Mercury! This is the planet that internet influencers won’t shut up about because it’s been going retrograde all the freaking time. So, what even is Mercury other than the smallest planet in our solar system (writing that made me feel some type of way about Pluto). In ancient Mythology, Mercury was that young, speedy, messenger of the gawds. His province was communication and everything requiring skill and dexterity. According to them this winged-footed-cleaver-hottie also invented music, mathematics, and astronomy! I mean dang, all I’ve done today is eat my weight in chips and salsa. “In astrology Mercury is the planet of mental activities, communication, and intellectual energies. It rules over your intelligence, perception and reason, memory, speaking and writing. It reflects the way you see, hear, understand, and assimilate information.” When Mercury is prominent under certain zodiac signs it highlights the way you speak, how lively you may be, how cleaver you are, your intelligence level, the way you communicate! Most of you will find that your Mercury will be in the same sign as your Sun, if not, it will be very close to it- about one zodiac away. Think about how close Mercury is to the actual Sun, it only takes 88 days to orbit as opposed to Earths 365- Coincidence? Nah Bih, it’s legit.

For the sake of not writing a 4-million-word thesis on this I’m going to list some BASIC characteristics associated with each planet (today Mercury & Venus) in each of the Zodiac signs. And to save me even more energy I’m taking ideas mostly from the book “The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need” as with anything else quoted in these posts. So go ahead look at yours, look at your BFF’s, look at your man-that-doesn’t-know-he’s-your-mans, look at your enemies, look at them all!

Aries: Witty, outspoken, original, ironic/sarcastic tone, big exaggerator, impatient, fond of speaking and writing, too impulsive, blessed with luck  

Taurus: Practical, stable, constructive, thinks your opinions are wisest, excellent memory, can be shy with new people, good with money, prefers comfort

Gemini: Change your mind/opinion quickly, work on multiple projects at once, live for facts/information, versatile, clever, infectious good humor,  

Cancer: Sensitive to what others think, intuitively pick up on other signals, chameleonlike, Charming, can be narrow minded, can have irrational phobias

Leo: Gift of eloquence, magnetic flair, organized, knows how to direct or manage others, can be arrogant, sunny disposition, love of performing arts, great enthusiasm

Virgo: Analytical, quick learner, expect reality to conform with your ideas, intellectual intolerance for people who are sloppy, can take on too much, talent for creative crafts

Libra: Looks at both sides of everything, gentle attitude, sympathetic, friendly, fond of socializing, can be a push-over, do not like stirring up controversy  

Scorpio: Questioning and probing, interested in the occult, keen observation, cannot be fooled, can be very stubborn, and may have a volatile temper

Sagittarius: Quick and bright, breezy and to the point, prize freedom and self-expression, Love travel, can bee too blunt or outspoken, lack of concentration at times

Capricorn: Ambitious and methodical, very patient, looks at the bigger picture, excellent with details, dry sense of humor, can come across as disapproving or serious

Aquarius: Inquisitive, accurate, inventive, excellent judgement of others, people watchers, emotionally detached outlook, truth seeker, eccentric

Pisces: Psychic revelations, intriguing, air of mystery, imaginative and creative, can appear timid or confused, very sensitive to your environment

ready for more?


How sexy are you? Do you find it easy to attract lovers? Are you flirtatious or shy? Do you find happiness in your love affairs or are you generally disappointed in love? These questions can be answered by knowing your position of Venus on your birthchart. Venus in mythology is that banging hot goddess who was able to temp the likes of gods, goddesses, mortal men and women. The ultimate seductress. She had it all- stunning looks, sharp wit, intelligence, and flowers grew wherever she walked- dayum drama queen. The goddess DID exhibit some negative qualities as well, so don’t be tricked into thinking it was all love and daisy’s (see what I did there? Because she’s the goddess of love, and flowers grew where she walked? okay I’ll stop). Anywizzle, because she really did believe she was the shit when things didn’t go her way, she was very temperamental, and could be treacherous and spiteful. Love is a BIG emotion there’s always two sides to every coin. As mere humans we project these emotions all the time, even with our best efforts not to. Unless you are a detached Aquarian living on another ethereal plane where NO one can reach you, YOU FEEL ALL OF THESE THINGS TOO. Our Venus placement tells us more about how we handle these emotions and our predispositions towards love, sex, harmony, friendship, and even the amusements you are drawn to. In astrological terms this planet is the second closest to the sun so it will never be far from your sun sign. It is almost always either in your same sun sign or in one of the two following your sun sign. For example, if you are a Sagittarius sun you may find your Venus in Sagittarius, Capricorn, or Aquarius.  

Let’s look at some traits associated with each zodiac sign in the planet of Venus. Don’t forget to look for your boo’s, but also your ex’s (dumbasses! Didn’t know how good they had it!)

Aries: Responsive and impulsive love nature, falls in love at first sight, strongly sensual, first attracted to physical appearances, enthusiastic attitude, aggressive, can be selfish

Taurus: Affectionate and romantic, you take your time deciding who to love, very physical, there is no love without sex, very generous towards a lover, your passion can be smothering

Gemini: Must have an intellectual connection, lighthearted attitude toward love, you have so many interests you can be seen as fickle or inconsistent, charming, witty, has many friends

Cancer: Romantic and sensitive, love is most important, you would much rather be pursued, you need reassurance, intensely sentimental, family loyalty, loves being at home

Leo: Magnetic and irresistible, easily attract warm feelings from others, extravagantly affectionate, need intense devotion, dominate, can be dramatic, seeks attention from outside sources

Virgo: Curious and cautious, easily find flaws in others, fear of getting hurt, refined, intelligent, loyal, sympathetic, quiet but witty sense of humor, (for some reason this position of Venus promotes scandal)

Libra: In love with love, more romantic than sensual, charming social manners, adores luxury and can be extravagant, dismissive of anyone who doesn’t “measure up” no matter their deeper qualities

Scorpio: Love is all-consuming, sex life is intense and is emphasized, deep need to possess a lover, want your partner to surrender to you, very sensitive to rejection and can become vindictive

Sagittarius: Adventurous and exciting, wildly romantic, have trouble sacrificing your freedom to one person, find it easier to deal with friends than lovers, outgoing, imaginative

Capricorn: Careful and cautious, loyal and dependable, say what you mean, enjoy material comforts, very sensual, likes giving and receiving, can come across as cold or detached, jealous tendencies

Aquarius: Kind and loving nature, helpful, charitable and giving, intellectually detached attitude toward love, not an emotional person, personal freedom is most important, platonic friendships are best

Pisces: Tender and deeply devoted, gentle, kindhearted, extremely sensitive, fickle, often choose the wrong lovers- to save them, can have secret love affairs, self-sacrificing, not logical about love

Guys we are only two planets in… but I feel like this is where we take a break! Next time I’ll be going over Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn- This feels like that space adventure with Mrs. Frizzle (if you don’t know who that is, I feel bad for your childhood). As always thanks for taking the time to read this, hopefully you’ll be back for the next round!

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